Needed to have this written down, to compose my thoughts and as a reminder to myself.
Balance. Who can find the middle ground for it?
Real life has caught up to me and I find myself in constant struggle with it ever since my change of marital status last year. Everyone wants attention from me everytime, everyone want SOMETHING from me all the time. And it is getting more and more each day. Have I bitten off more than I can chew?
Sacrifice is needed under these circumstances, but I grew tired of it. For some reason, everyone demands it of me, unwilling to make some sacrifice of their own. What have I lost during the past one year?
It was around this time last year that I greatly slowed down my writing because of the changes that comes with my marriage. Obviously, my bachelor and otaku style of living needs to change somehow. I used to spend hours without sleep on the Net, as if the Net IS my life. And it was. Modding and roleplaying my Baldur's Gate games for the n-th time was my life. Writing songs and arranging music with my guitar and Fruity Loops was my life. Manga and Anime was my life. And especially HNPH, it was my life and my life's work.
I have since pushed away many, many, many requests for help in Japanese translations of even more projects in Anime, PV and lyrics. (For those of you reading this, I apologies again.) I have since stopped reading manga and purchasing/downloading anime. I have since stopped keeping up to date with the Jpop world. I have since put my writing and blogging literally to a stop. At times, I find that I have lost my passion in whatever I have done so far and have contemplated of getting away from it all. How has this happened?
Interests have diminished for the things that I have utmost passion for. Following the developments of the entertainment scene had always excite and inspire me. What do we have so far? Wedding bells for Ayaka, Goto Maki shifting label, new songs for C-ute, Gaki-san and Ai-chan in a dorama. Yet I find no joy in things like this anymore. Started to look at the idol scene in a different and twisted way. I recount another one of my most passionate interest, in the one Kago Ai - Aibon. My love for Aibon was HUGE a few years back, even when she got caught in her famous scandals I am supportive of her. But now... I am not afraid to admit that I have not read her blog entries even once. She is not Aibon anymore, she is just .... "Kago Ai". A struggling celebrity looking for a comeback in her career, trying to find a balance between her life's challenges and making it back to the mainstream of people's minds in the entertainment scene. In a way, I can relate to her and her suicidal attempts. I have scars of my own in my left forearm to show for that. Sometimes pressure and dissapointments in life can really bring you down. But it is not about always about the people around you, rather it is your own life that you have come to despise and you wish nothing else than to put at end to it. I sympathise with Kago. She had it rough, took it hard and made it hard for herself.
However, again it is in her that I find inspiration. Certainly, the things that she has gone through in her life - broken family, pressure from work, pressure from public, the media - it must have been even harder for her, considering that she faced all that before reaching her 20th birthday.
Therefore, I see no reason I cannot do the same. After looking at her blog for the first time yesterday, I thought to myself - I shall make MY own comeback. Things that I resolved to do last year, MUST be done in this year. Don't have time? Make the time. The Merovingian seems to think it is possible. Hopefully and with luck, I will not be defeated this time.
If possible I would humbly to ask the support from all reading this post as you have supported as always. Perhaps, you may even have a chance to embark on this quest with me. Will let you all know more in due time.
Best of Love and Peace ^_^
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